November 17, 2012 § 4 Comments
Why didn’t I trust her more? That’s what my mom asked me today. Shocked when I reveal I have PTSD. Angry that I won’t look at her, you can’t be perfect! Have I ever expressed any disappointment in you?
Even then I was tap dancing, doesn’t she get that? I so wanted to be the wonderful thing in her life. I wanted to make up for my dad and all his faults and abuses. I would be great. not only great, I’d be the best and it wouldn’t be for nothing. Do you understand that? It wouldn’t be for nothing if I was something.
Perfect people don’t get raped. Once raped, forever ruined, broken, busted, disgusting, damaged, broken, violated, pussy pussy pussy, did I mention broken? Why didn’t he insist I tell him? Why didn’t my dad DEMAND I tell him? Why didn’t he go out and defend me like he did my brother? Why didn’t he fucking realize my need? How that left me all alone?
Fuck you. I didn’t tell you fucking people because you’d never understand. No one can, so whats the point in talkin’…
November 5, 2012 § 1 Comment
The man who saved me died of a blood clot in his brain when he was 20 years old. He died while I was in college and living in Lynn. It was shocking, as these young deaths are. I had been alternatingly kind and cruel to this boy, as teenage girls are. His confidence was intoxicating but… he wasnt much to look at.
To go to the service, I just had to get off the bus. But I didn’t. And when I didn’t, I laid my head against the glass and asked for forgiveness. I asked him to forgive me for still not being better. Not better enough to go to his funeral and say good-bye. Not better enough to be facing up to a lot of the bad things in my life.
The man who saved my life broke my biggest promise.
Please, please, please don’t tell anyone he follows me. Dont tell anyone he has hit me. Yes, he does put his hands on me but don’t tell, please please, don’t tell, keep my secret, keep my shame, keep it quiet, like all pain maybe it will go away, no, I don’t fear my life, no he never follows me, no it’s not that bad I shouldnt have said anything, please don’t tell anyone…
He told Father Doolan, a weak prissy man whom I had seen nod off in assembly, who showed me a roll of communion like crackers in a Ritz box. Weak, spineless, disgusting, why would I ever think someone like him…
No one could save me from my torture, certainly not some pudgy sinner a pompous promise away from diddling boys…
But this man, this boy whom I made promise, he believed. He has been raised to believe the church helped so maybe that’s why, I think that’s why. I don’t know. I never asked him. Then, the time to ask was gone and time was gone and he was gone. He who saved me, he who hurt me and the man of God.
August 16, 2012 § 19 Comments
Full on run to alley, with love,
Wine. With patchwork lit neon sign
beer stink night gone to the weak rub
quarter click mix up pocket fine,
still no holes. Park with lost kind,
stops shapes corner kiss remiss by
mornings smell of piss in lot lines.
Brick beyond lottery egg fry.
For dVerse FormForAll…Love community. Love poets.
July 13, 2012 § 3 Comments
riding past Ramsdell Rd.
the post office parking lot
with rows of white beetle trucks
idle wait to trundle their bundles.
missed my usual whisking chariot
too bruised by the night thus
over-snoozed the button
the builder has me up late
stacking ohs and ahs
over my sore places
July 3, 2012 § 19 Comments
Fish fry afternoon
45 minute walk on inferno cement
to polluted ocean
on flush town border
remember when it was just me and you
tripping on Jules coffee
in our ghetto love nest
with our oven-ette
and three cats?
Diamond district house paint fume war
Feet slap uneven sidewalk
like old tyme moth ball ladies
parasols against the aging sun
save 3 dollars for ice cream sandwiches
and debate the bus ride back to
the center of the lost land
minorities and poverties
in walmart flip-flops and expensive
cars parked in front of
carved from mansions of founding sea fathers
when the ocean was king
not the city
the ocean was king
fishing was king of money
and diamonds were bought with the blood of boats
sweat is also salty
leaving the cast offs now to reclaim
the elemental home as their own
we smelled the ocean every single day,
then the garbage, then the cooking oil
and back in out bed/couch with our bowl/solace
I’d make you dinner and
we’d swear there was nothing
better than two rooms of
our own and freedom
near the ocean.
March 28, 2012 § 2 Comments
The bus had been 19 hours and 12 minutes of wasted time.
“What were you thinking?”
“I don’t know. I obviously wasn’t thinking, judging by your reaction.”
She was now seated on the bench at the bus station, under the pretense of waiting for the next bus. In her hands, she held the pocket watch.
“This one? Miss, this one is an expensive watch.”
“Ok. Cash or charge?”
“Is it extra to engrave?”
“No, Miss. It’s complimentary. I will get you a sheet of paper.”
For he whose I am.
Counting her money again, she hesitated from buying a ticket. Why did she think he would come and stop her? Just because she came so far? Held back this long, her tears were heavy, overripe and finally fell like devastating bombs on the dry skin of her hands.
Feeling better after her cry, she stood up with purpose to buy her ticket and return home. She would write the whole thing off as an experience, an adventure, and fodder for her work. Maybe she would even get a book out of it…
“Violet!” Then, he was there.
March 17, 2012 § 3 Comments
She would run from the house, lifting her rough skirts to increase her speed. To get there. The shouts of the sisters would echo, but she would ignore them and laugh, casting her eyes up to a blue sky. The sound of the tall grasses played drums on her tall boots. She would get there, she would. Defying all the rules, she would make it to the place, the illusion he had bloomed in her earthen mind. She would search the forest, wondering if it was all a Victorian fairytale, had she burned her bridges in a free fall for no reason, no promise.
But in her dream, he was there. His clear eyes darted to the side and she saw the carvings. And then he was gone again. She felt with her finger tips and the wood still hummed and burned with life. She read it like a map and was off.
A new course charted.
February 12, 2012 § 4 Comments
“I need to know why. I need to know why you took me.”
“And I am under no obligation to tell you.”
“Meme, you must tell me. You don’t understand…”
“I understand. I understand you feel you need to know. And I do not feel the need to tell you.”
“I am 17 years old!”
“And I am 71.”
“Why? Why did you take me from them? Why??”
“It was war time. You were conceived behind fences. Something like that doesn’t make it to the real world. Nadia went to Berlin and Mac was back in the mines. Damn fingernails never even got clean. So you see, I took you because I wouldn’t allow them to determine your fate. That was for you to do. Under my supervision, of course.”
“Meme! Ha! “
“It isn’t polite to laugh at an old woman.”