This Is Why We Say Good-Bye

January 31, 2013 § Leave a comment

Im not teasing. Im frustrated. Its hard for me tolerate so much negativity and self pity. Im sorry but thats just the person I am. Im sorry youre having a rough life. I cant help much.

Poet Torch

January 17, 2013 § 12 Comments

poached silence
present nothing but
triumph when word dances
confront demons with ways
of recompense

a believer
river washing dark chances
heavy sound pour sways
keep the ventricle shut
a fever

rapid oxidation scorch
heightens and stays
alight nothing but
the agile smoke trances
hiding poet torch

forge coupled missives
placed by slanted cut
too many brain manses
used in faulty forays
the once and for all lives

***

FORM FOR ALL on Dverse

We Are Going To Live ( So I Am Not Alone)

December 12, 2012 § 1 Comment

“It’s ok to tell me the good things too.”

The Builder says in one of our bed time conversations. I do make my husband out to be a monster. I do. Because I’m hurting and alone a lot and I don’t want people to think I’m ok. Then, they might leave me, might think I’m ok.

Someone has to be looking for me. Someone has to look OUT for me.

But there have been changes made. Things are better, and I am hopeful.

We are sober! I have a lot more energy and this strange sense of guilt and fear has slid away.

The babies, I feel so much more love for them. I am still craving my poisons, obviously. An addict is always an addict.

I am in group therapy. He is going to meetings.

It’s all emotional hard work, but the good kind. We are going to live, and that’s final.

Inaccessible Diagnosis

December 5, 2012 § 5 Comments

She makes me a promise
she knows I need. She knows
I won’t hold her to it
if it’s not meant to be.
 
There, a dancing in the place
where we are dilapidated falling down
houses of a ghosted neighborhood.
In a deserted thicket of forest
 
we run and get out of breath
as we chase each other and play
with our skirts bunched up and scrunched
by childish fingers gripping convention.
 
She knows how I get there.
She knows how I came.
She knows how to get there
and how to remain.
 
In comfy grass, heat bug symphony
notes tickle her nose.
I will join her with clean
feet and leave her dirty.
 
Buried there, by our roots
a treasure of two.
A measure, a brew of all
that is true.

Regularity

November 26, 2012 § 1 Comment

Normal Joe, I love you so
precisely for the dirty reasons,
the uncomfortable reasons like
your sometimes sad and sometimes
simple existence, I want it with you
and is that because its simple, it may
have started like that but, please
Plain Joe, you have to know it’s because
I love you too, because there. See that?
It’s my soul and it sings to attract you
like a fluttery winged bird.

The Nothing

November 21, 2012 § 2 Comments

There is nothing.
I can even appeal to logic
experience
reality.
I can point out the obvious
and dress up the truth.
I can cajole, act aloof, bring
the bitch out.
 
He still loves me
and wont be baited.
He wont be rushed to come to
my foregone conclusions.
He wont jump from outcrop to outcrop with me
but shouts from the top of his tower,
 
the tower I describe,
embrace,
draw attention to with sticky, outstretched fingers.
It’s all there.
It’s all there except the true name.
 
You allude,
I imply.
You exude.
I reply,
like a good girl should.
So
why don’t you
be the man
(to me)
I know you are…?
 
There IS nothing.
This is true.
I just didn’t know nothing included you.

In This Little Garden

November 14, 2012 § 1 Comment

I find you everywhere
in clumsy composition.
Or am I just trying to find
my piece of mind
among the ruins
of a ragged start
to something real?

Can you blame a girl
for trying to get a
little something going?
Is my other side showing?

Lift a leg, no Daddy
I won’t put a skirt on
Those cards.
I’m going to lay them down
Down.

It changes nothing and everything in this little garden.

See Me As You Were

November 13, 2012 § 1 Comment

You can pick one in this life.

You can pick one and have that one.

If something comes, if someone comes along, someone who is supposed to be yours, not your wife or husband, but YOURS, that’s different.
 
It’s hard for the one and for the one who receives the one.
 
How can you deny yourself me?
 
Shouldn’t you be SO proud I am yours, so proud someone so talented, smart, clever, loving is yours?
 
Shouldn’t that surrender feel like the biggest gift you could get?
 
You’ve tied my hands since.

We can’t talk about it, like what I need that you have given me and hold back from me now.

This is a death, over and over. I don’t know if I should walk away. I don’t want to. The list of things I want…
 
If I beg here, right here in public, Big Daddy, would you make it all better? Take me back? Tell me you love me and I’m your Baby Girl again?
 
Because I will. I will beg.
 
Please Daddy. Please. A million times please.
 
Know I do not want to replace your true love, know I don’t want to destroy all you have worked so hard for, know the two can exist.

We could have a healthy relationship of no consequence to your marriage.

You think you can just ignore this, that we can suffer thru with the chaste digital existence. That is not living. Denial.

Yes family is so important to you and I…mine…

Maybe you do see what I see or see me as never moving on and always demanding more.

This is not prayer, but a desperate plea that you see me as you were. 

You did love me.

He Already Has a Baby (ForeverYours)

November 7, 2012 § 4 Comments

Some days
What a darkness
Prevails
I want you gone
Or never came.
My tortured beauty
Your need to legacize
Yourself.
I’m your daughter
Sometimes
I need you gone
Or never came
When I survive a day
As if
There was no difference
Between us and just
Little old me.

Sometimes I want you
Gone and never came.
Because I love you and
You don’t promise
Anything more than this.

Stay away
With your blue light
Forget it
Forget I asked for you
To see my words.
Trap me in silence with vigilance

Can only own and love be
You and me.
So go, go, gone and never’ve come.
Because now I’m
ForeverYours
Condition permanent
Stark mark and
wanted
stopped
scar

Impenetrable Lessons

October 24, 2012 § 1 Comment

educate
your
face honey slut

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