The Person He Is

I do
want to be
the staying kind.
He is worth incredible inner struggle.
To this blessed, broken girl.

Rant V

I will never find someone who is as good a Big Daddy as you.

I’m a fool. an open-eyed fool who can see exactly what she can and cannot have. A fool who knows you can’t change the nature of things, that promises of sometimes, like maybe, almost always mean never, or no.

This is the way it should be then? That I should know what I wish for, get so close to it only to fall woefully short, spinning drama and chasing you back to your family, no hassle ( no passion?), easy peasy.

Things that are hard are good too, Big Daddy.

My guts and up they come. I would come to you and not dawdle. I would go back to my family too. I ask so little it seems and give so much. But I’m a fool. I am a fool who is still looking for the unconditional love her father never gave her. and it wasnt that I didn’t feel loved maybe, but unprotected. That when it came down, he would take no credit, seek no blame, no effort made to save me (would you die for me? thanks, Mr. Morrison).

She isn’t mine, that is fat and ugly and certainly a failure. Nope, she is on her own, a wretched creature doing more and more to disappear or reappear or hide or run up screaming her happy energy.

Big Daddy, all these issue. I fight them. I know you are not him. you aren’t even this other mythical him ( hymn) I’ve built up in my mind that he would tie me up, beat me, kiss my tears and take them for such incredible thanks, such relief, let me cry, its pent-up and fill me up. I want hard hands on my despicable face.

and yes, the rape. how does that fit in? For surely if I had told my parents, if I just hadn’t believe him, if I had told the cops, this would all be different. This would all be different.

I just want you to want more, for you to struggle too with the limitations I hit my head against, but you don’t, you are smug and secure in this happy place and who can blame you from running away from a broken girl. You must breathe a sigh of relief each week that passes with me and soon, oh soon, I know soon, you will go. I will be too much for you, but don’t worry, whole club you can join, many members, the unlikely likes of them, all cooler than the girl who did drugs and got tattoos if only to fit in some-fucking-where.

It remains, I just want to be someone’s cherished one, fucking own me, order me, punish me, worry about me, keep an eye on me, care about me all day and all night, I am not so tough, I am oh so trembling.

Over our heads I suppose.

Somedays, I want to die.

The Ocean Is a Shaggy Dog

the

always

rain gets the

ocean’s dander up

marking territory as the wind blows

The Last Hallucination

I just don’t get
orange skies at night,
Are the oceans on fire?

Remnants

Residuum

Barrel Prose

I lost my mojo.

Has anyone seen it?

The wise Mr. Alder is nice enough to encourage and assure me that these things come and go. Sometimes I’ll be practically vomiting writing and others, well, other times it will be S L O W.

This is bullshit.

I am a manic person and I need something to do and work on.

But shit, it seems like months since I’ve had a really good idea. When I am in a poem time, I long for story ideas. When I am writing lots of stories, I lament the fact that I am not a true poet. And prose frankly is pissing me off lately. How many happy mom stories are there, for chrissakes. This broad says just STOP. Everyone thinks their kids are cute. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO NUMB NUTS.

Sigh.

Are there gods I must sacrifice to for another story idea? Could I finish the fucking book please? GODDAMN gaping hole in the middle and I can’t find something to plug it.

That’s what he said.

P.S. I went to another psychologist today. I lied about how much I smoke and he had a booger between his eyebrows. Nice.

Drug Box

Shhh.
Barren
wasteland waves
trance programming.
And you will forget your name and purpose.

So I May Suffer

You
do seem
almost sick
of trying to
fix your broken girl. My job here is done.

Issue Behind Mine

I

know you

think you are

better than me

even if only in your heart of hearts

***

Read Marian & Kerry…