Because Someone Else Believed In God

November 5, 2012 § 1 Comment

The man who saved me died of a blood clot in his brain when he was 20 years old. He died while I was in college and living in Lynn. It was shocking, as these young deaths are. I had been alternatingly kind and cruel to this boy, as teenage girls are. His confidence was intoxicating but… he wasnt much to look at.

To go to the service, I just had to get off the bus. But I didn’t. And when I didn’t, I laid my head against the glass and asked for forgiveness. I asked him to forgive me for still not being better. Not better enough to go to his funeral and say good-bye. Not better enough to be facing up to a lot of the bad things in my life.

The man who saved my life broke my biggest promise.

Please, please, please don’t tell anyone he follows me. Dont tell anyone he has hit me. Yes, he does put his hands on me but don’t tell, please please, don’t tell, keep my secret, keep my shame, keep it quiet, like all pain maybe it will go away, no, I don’t fear my life, no he never follows me, no it’s not that bad I shouldnt have said anything, please don’t tell anyone…

He told Father Doolan, a weak prissy man whom I had seen nod off in assembly, who showed me a roll of communion like crackers in a Ritz box. Weak, spineless, disgusting, why would I ever think someone like him…

No one could save me from my torture, certainly not some pudgy sinner a pompous promise away from diddling boys…

But this man, this boy whom I made promise, he believed. He has been raised to believe the church helped so maybe that’s why, I think that’s why. I don’t know. I never asked him. Then, the time to ask was gone and time was gone and he was gone. He who saved me, he who hurt me and the man of God.

Thrown Valve Moments

October 26, 2012 § 1 Comment

Oh the glorious moments after the children are bedded down. I settle myself in my evening safe space, laptop, blackberry, weed, bowl. Lighter. The pressure valve that’s thrown, the release of a big puff of air when you realize you survived another day. Another whole day of kids and husband and life. Disasters, holidays, happy days, homework time, random moments of a practically spiritual nature. And laughing. What else can you do but laugh a lot. That’s how you get them there, give kids roots and give them wings, as my friend Libby would say. I’m sorry I can’t give them more and I’m proud for what I give them. I agonize over every misstep, every fall back and broken expectation. Like fractured glass. Then, there are spelling tests. 96! And the LittleOne says “Mommy, can you scratch my back?” And you do and she throws her head back and says “Ahhhhhhh.” And you can’t believe it!

It’s worth it. For these thrown valve moments.

Poking Fun At the Hallowed

October 25, 2012 § 2 Comments

For only on such a
shifting pathway will we
smash and claw thru
the accused faces.

TMI

October 24, 2012 § 1 Comment

Tight pants
Reveal old man
Junk offended punks snort
At leaned back display corded nuts
No salt

Pre-Waste

October 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

Fresh meat.
Beer stain trail mix
No parking in short spot
Piggy meters watch clocks crawl till
Coins due

Impenetrable Lessons

October 24, 2012 § 1 Comment

educate
your
face honey slut

Ghetto Girl

October 24, 2012 § 1 Comment

ghetto girl
all
ready to stay

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