An Even Number of Years Later

Sidney got on the train at the Breakstone Square, pulling her suitcase after her. She was wearing a slowly fraying pair of jeans and t-shirt which said “I’m a Pepper”. Slipping quietly into an empty seat across from Alice, her white headphones kept her out of this world, and in her own that only LOOKED the same as Alice’s.

 Alice watched and watched, waiting for her staring eyes to cause Sidney to look up. Finally she did, and Sidney startled, as if poked with a stick.

 “Alice.” She said. A smile followed, but quickly fled the scene. Alice crossed the train to Sidney, beautiful and pale, like only a redhead can be. Sidney rose and they kissed each other twice, once for each cheek. Then Sidney sat back down, making no attempts to offer the seat next to her to Alice.

 “How are you?” Alice asked, holding on to one of the straps installed on the bar overhead. The lurching of the train caused her to flex, tighten, and then slacken her grip again.

 Sidney pulled her headphones out of her ears and slowly wrapped them around her iPod without answering. She carefully placed the iPod in what Alice knew was the specific place for it.

 “Fine. You know.” Sidney trailed off and gave no information with what words she surrendered to the suffocating air of the flying train. Alice was used to this game. She sat down next to Sidney, took her hand in her own. Sidney tried to pull away, but Alice placed her second hand on top, lovingly. The pale redhead stopped resisting. The train rocked them back and forth together, a metal womb of unnoticeable moments and movement. Eventually Sidney dozed and upon once waking, rested her head on Alice’s shoulder with the heaviest of sighs. Alice’s heart filled, as that released breath announced Sidney as home.

 
Alice remembered lying in bed, discussing girlish things less than a week after they met. Sidney had been painting then, and Alice had gone to the show, highlighting gay and lesbian artists. Her grasp of strokes and use of color had fascinated Alice, and they had struck up a conversation while a mutual friend had walked away to get them wine. Well, to get Alice wine. Sidney didn’t drink.

“How do you come up with ideas?” She asked politely, taking in Sidney’s eclectic outfit. Elegant, but odd for sure, she thought. Sidney had smirked a little before answering.

“Is that what you want to ask me?” Sidney responded, her face breaking into a mischievous smile. Taken aback, Alice answered, sounding snooty and well, OLD. Sidney was 23, Alice 35.

“What? Well sure, why not?” Flustered, her eyebrows scrunched up, implying she was insulted.

“Because that’s the most predictable and boring question to ask an artist. And you aren’t predictable, are you Alice?” Alice had never been picked up before, but she did not hesitate. On the steps of the gallery, Sidney took her hand and pulled her into her life, a shocking fall into a rain bucket.

 
The honeymoon period was very sweet, a whirlwind romance. Sidney moved into Alice’s apartment after a month. After just 7 months, Alice had bought an antique engagement ring, miner’s cut 1.5 carat diamond set in platinum. During a surprise birthday party at the apartment, she had pulled Sidney out on the fire escape and proposed. The traffic lights, the dusky night, the smell of French cooking from the Bistro on the corner, the laugher, and the stars. It was perfect for a little while.

Sidney started forgetting appointments. She blew off a major gallery offer just by missing the meeting. Her mom would call and insist on knowing what was going on, Sidney left her 7 voicemails in the middle of the night. Sidney started labelling her yogurts. She started to not come home every night. Alice gave her space. She didnt know what else to do.

But she had grown concerned when Sidney applied a padlock to the door of the studio. She gave Alice the key, but couldn’t explain why she needed it, why she had to protect the room. Alice hated to violate her privacy, knowing Sidney would never do such a thing to her, but on top of all the odd things that had also occurred, she felt scared. Like the appearance of the suitcase, a gift from her dad that had moved with her from her studio apartment to Alice’s spacious 3 bedroom. One day Sidney had come home pulling it, clutching it like a safety blanket.

 “Whats in the suitcase?” Alice asked, sautéing vegetables at the stovetop.

 “Nothing, just some supplies.” Her tone left Alice unsure if they were art supplies or not. She came over and stole a piece of green pepper.

“Supplies? Like art stuff?” Alice felt herself cringe. She didn’t like to question Sidney like this. Sidney was sensitive to the age difference, their arguments often ending in her telling Alice they were lovers, not mother and child and then storming out, in direct contradiction to her own proclamation of maturity.

“ Yea, kind of. When is dinner ready? I told Frank I would go with him over to the Bemis Gallery.” Frank. Another weird addition to their lives. Sidney was not specific as to where they met. Alice did not trust him, he had the beady eyes of a lizard, dark and dead, like a shark. He came over only twice and both times he spent his time either hyper or in the bathroom, leaving Alice to surmise he had a cocaine habit.

 “Sid, we said we would go and look at that vendor, see if the price of canvases are better in bulk.” Alice tried to keep the irritation out of her voice. This was something they were doing together, to help her career. How could she forget, then so smugly announce she was going out.

 “Oh, I cancelled it. I decided buying in bulk is too capitalistic.” Turning away from Sidney, she said nothing. “What?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I know. But you do have something to say.” She felt Sidney put her hand on her spine, instantly felt the familiar stir in her heart.

 “Just would have been nice if you had told me you cancelled it. Maybe I would have planned something else for the evening.” Sidney laughed cruelly and her hand fell away.

 “I’ll get something on my way.” She slammed the door as she exited.

 
Three months later, she made the appointment herself. Dr. Laughlin was supposed to be the best. And Sidney had admitted to some unsettling happenstances recently.

 “Im being followed.” She told Alice one day, as that sat at an outside table at a café. Alice looked up from the menu.

“Excuse me?” Sidney lit a cigarette, pressed her hand on Alice’s hand. She pointed to a man across the street, leaning against a black iron fence, reading a newspaper.

“HE is following me. If he crosses the street, I am totally calling the cops.”

Then, at the breakfast table 2 weeks later, things had taken a very ugly turn. A fight had escalated, as fights will do, especially recently when Sid was irritable and shaky, not sleeping due to bad headaches. She had gone to leave and Alice had blocked her path. Alice went to gather her in her arms and Sidney pushed her viciously against the backdoor, shattering the door’s window pane.

Sidney returned hours later, eyes swollen from crying. She crawled into their bed.

“I don’t know whats going on, Al. I just feel and do. I don’t think. I can’t. Seems like I can’t grasp anything, too many thinks at once, you know?” When Alice ignored her, she went and slept in the studio. The next morning, Alice told Sidney that something physical like that was inexcusable.

“I know, baby. Please don’t do this.” Sidney begged and the tears started again.

“ I want you to go see a shrink. You have been very different lately. Lets just go and talk to them. If not, I…I have to ask you to go.” Alice was firm despite her heart being ripped out with each word.

“Of course I will go!” and there again was the woman she loved. Rational, sweet, loving. Dr. Laughlin fit her in for that afternoon.

 
She remembered the day Sidney was diagnosed. The tests Dr. Laughlin had run were as conclusive as it got. Sidney was schizophrenic.

“What? I don’t understand.”

“It’s a very manageable disease. Medication, therapy…” Sidney looked hollowed out, like she was slowly deflating. She refused to look at the doctor or Alice and when the doctor finally got thru with his speil, she rose and took the prescription, remaining silent. Alice made the follow up appointment. Alice would do everything. Because that’s what you do when you love someone. But Sidney was devastated.

“This is the end.” She said and they made their way quietly home.

 
Alice remembered the day Sidney left. The police had just brought her home from Gracie Park where she had set up a makeshift camp. She had Alice’s name and address taped to the back of her ID along with a medical alert bracelet so the police knew she had a home.

Her clothing was torn and the suitcase that would become a permanent companion to her was streaked with blood.

The police left, handing Alice a summons for Sidney to appear in court. This was the third time Sidney had gone off her medication and disappeared. Alice was done.

“ You can’t stay here, Sid. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Yeah, me neither. Thanks though.” Quiet steps were taken to the suitcase. Unzipping a side pouch, she reached in and removed a small piece of violet cloth. Sidney unfolded it and revealed the ring. Alice had been sure she had lost it, sold it or it had been stolen. Its diamond fire pierced her heart. Sidney handed Alice the beautiful engagement ring and went to the studio, presumably to gather a couple of things. She emerged. “Can I leave my paintings here? Just till I find a place?” Alice wanted to say no, because she knew that without her, Sidney would not take her pills. Without her pills, she didn’t do rational things, like find a job to pay for an apartment, never mind actually go out and find one. That would leave Alice, looking at her paintings as a bitter reminder. Drop cloths with Sid’s fingerprints in Fuschia and Cerulean, paintbrushes stiff and dry, sketches done with pencil and charcoal, lovingly smudged to match the vision in her mind, everything that would reminder her of the magnificence of her love.

“Yea, Sid honey, that’s fine. Where…” She was going to ask, but then just let the question die a slow death in the thick tense air of the apartment. Sidney smiled a sad smile, stood on tip toes to kiss Alice, long and deep.

 
The disease had progressed so quickly. Of course she had not returned for the paintings. She had left her cell phone on the ground outside the front door of the apartment, so Alice had no way to contact her, to see where she landed. Alice had gotten two letters from Sidney. Two letters after living together for a year and a half. The first came in the form of a postcard, one of those tourist trap items that they joked about.

Al,

I’ve decided to stop painting.
I know now, they are using my ideas. I saw two agents the other day. Its all because I discovered their secret.I cant tell you too much, I don’t want to put you in an dangerous position.
I got a dog.

Sid

Alice,

My mom told me you called. Please don’t contact her again. We are done. I am back on my meds, not that it’s any of your business.

Sidney

Alice began to question herself. Did I do enough? Did I try hard enough? Did I give everything I could? She moved out of the apartment. It was just too many memories. Now she was on a train line all the way across the city, and here was Sidney.

 
The train lurched into Baldwin Station. Her stop. She longed to pull Sid with her, to take her home. She had not loved again! She wanted to shout, make sure Sidney knew this. She stroked Sidney’s face, to wake her up. Sid looked up at her with old, bloodshot eyes, wrinkled skin, a tired old woman just flirting with 30.

“This is my stop.” Sidney roused and pulled herself in tight to her core. Alice painfully rose, stepped out and looked back. Then she pulled out her necklace, unclasped it. She prayed to God the doors wouldn’t close. There, on a delicate silver chain, the engagement ring she had given Sidney years ago. Standing outside the train doors, she reached her arm into the car, out towards Sidney. The lights of the train made it glint. Sidney stood, leaving her bags unattended, which even this close and for this short of a time Alice knew would cause her anxiety. Her face was smiling, shining with the broken sweat of one woken from a hard sleep. She took the ring, her eyes filling with tears. Sidney looked up, saw Alice watching her and the scowl returned to her face.

“Thank you.” She said and returned to her seat, quickly taking her iPod out. The train doors closed.